OLo Sayings

I’m really drunk. Just to put it out there. I have been. Drinking for a while so I guess it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much I have been thinking. Been thinking about family. Been thinking about how you can be with someone. Marry this person, but just how much do you really know them. Be honest you don’t. Tonight my boyfriend told me or rather discussed with me that he wanted to buy a firearm and that he was afraid that if I had one I would kill him. And to be quite honest I have had fantasies about it just because of how he has hurt me. Funny how I wouldn’t share that with you right.

I long for an escape. I’m afraid I will take it when it comes. And think of no one but me.. That sucks for everyone else. 

It’s abnormally cold, The Terminator 2 is playing in the background and the loud obnoxious neighbors are making so much noise I fantsied about having a gun and shooting warning shots at them to make them shut up and go in side. Today is Cinco de Mayo. 

I turned in my fincinal aid information today and am excited about hearing back from the school to see if they award me anything. I really want to go back to school because right now home life is such a drag. 

My fiancée’s best friend is an immature balding introvert.  And since my fiancée last duked it out he’s been going out of his way to ignore me supremely. When I discussed this with my other half he posed the question why do I care? And I ask myself why? Because maybe people just don’t like being made like they don’t exist or not there. It’s no fun when no wants to interact with you. 

So what do I do to avoid the uncomfortable-ness. I hide out in my god damn room all day because I don’t have a life. What else. And my other half he doesn’t want to talk to his friend because the friend would think if my other half brings it up that I am clearly walking all over him. Well sorry best friend that the last time you had any one interested in you the slightest bit was like what 3-4 years ago. You’re a lonely and miserable person baldy. You really are. I’m not even allowed to have sex with my other half if the motherfucker is awake. Like talking about cramping a couples love life. He’s fucking things up and no one but me seems to understand that. No one and I feel like I’m falling into this hole and I’m afraid of what I will become. 

Slowly I am becoming more unhappy. 

I want to feel affection and I might be the one to drive him away but I still need it. 

Last night I cried for my parents and family, about how I missed them so much. And Mr. Husband to be he didn’t understand. Huffed and puffed. Why am I crying he asks. 

Insensitive asshole. I miss them because they love me. For some strange reason there is just that connection and understanding that we all love each other. My family didnt use to be like that. Trust me . I have had my fair share of woes. It took my 20 years to be here.

I feel like I’m fading away every day. 

I see now that I clearly made a mistake. For some reason I thought everything would be fine and dandy. That love would overcome anything. But the thing is that I didn’t pay attention enough to know that maybe love wasn’t already fucking there. 

Funny how you get caught up in the flow of things just going along with the ride. It’s like some crazy shit is happening to you, and you’re like I don’t give a fuck I’m just going to go with it. Trust me, this is a dumb idea. Carpe Diem motherfuckers. I should just up and leave now. Go with that flow. 

I’m so unhappy but I don’t want anyone to know. People get off on how bad you are doing and like to think that their life is better than yours because you aren’t doing to well. You’re girlfriend cheated on you with your brother while you were in the same house in the other room. People eat that shit up. So this is why I would be afraid to tell anyone that I am not doing to hot.

My lousy fiancée wants to continue to smoke pot and sell pot like some fucking 14 year old. He doesn’t want to give up this life choice of his because weed is part of personal identity and to quit would be changing who he is. And if I loved his dumb ass I would just accept for who he is and love him for all his faults and not want to change him. Well you know it wasn’t my fault when you opened your idiot ass mouth and told you wanted to quit and that you got away from the real reason you smoked. It was for the occasion. You fucking hypocrite. You use to look down on people who smoked and talked shit about them and look at you, can’t handle the shit that you spewed. 

I am engaged to a moron. And I can not wait to see it crash and burn. 

I secretly hate you and wish that maybe just one day fate will take care of you so I wont have to take any actions on my part. 

If you only knew how badly I want to be with a real man. 

I took a job up north. A lot more north than where I live and its half the hours. Exactly half the hours. So I am going to have a lot more time on my hands. A lot. And I am looking forward to it. I want to deepen my writing.

I so desperately want my wanting to be known

Even though the boss’ can be a pain in the ass , they kind of have to be . But I think about my other lame job I had before and think I never had it this good before .

Parents love to think they are helping… and maybe they are but come on how much do they really know about your life? Especially at 21? How much do they want to know? 

Annoying ass father telling me to do things I have done weeks ago already. 

But I wonder if he is right. What if the manager at my old job didn’t call and just told me that he did. Omg I’d be so pissed I called over 2 weeks ago. 

I’m not completly sure what I want to make out of this. That kind is my life motto if I think about it. 

I just know I miss writing with such an intensity that it brings me on the verge of tears. You know when you get the immense pressure build up in your chest and you throat feels sore, and those tears threaten to flood out. 

That is how much I miss it. 

But I am so doubtful about myself. I often read my old journals and ask my self ” What happened to you?” 

I feel like I use to be so good at it and just like a bodybuilder has to maintain his routine to keep all those muscles, I feel as if I’m here overweight 50 pounds.